None of the snooty, five star hotels had this creepy luxury. Only classy “Norman Bates” motels with that buzzing, flickering neon “vacancy” sign had vibrating beds.  The kind of hotel where a big greasy  guy in a sleeveless tee shirt met you  with your key. A real key, with a big plastic tag that displayed your room number.  If you lost the key you might come back to the joy of finding some stranger in your room.

“Around back,” greasy man would grunt above the sound of the oscillating fan.  This guy  almost always lived in a spooky room behind the front desk.  You could hear the TV and smell mushrooms or something.

Around back, the rooms themselves smelled like a combination of ashtray and Lysol. Whatever doubts you might have had about the quality of the motel were melted away when you saw that vibrator bed.  You knew you were ‘uptown!’  On the nightstand was a box with a slot for a quarter.

Park yourself on that bed, slip a quarter in the slot and some machine under the bed would shake you into a stupor for fifteen minutes.  I loved the sensation as your body was reduced to a useless puddle of flesh.  Think Jabba the Hut, only melted.

Motels don’t offer the vibrating bed anymore so If you long to know this sensation, curl up on your clothes drier while it is running.  It is best to do this when no one will walk in and question your sanity.  If you are caught you can always claim that you are trying to retrieve a pen from behind the drier.

Back to my story. On one particular afternoon, I checked into a hotel, fell exhausted onto the bed, and shoved a quarter into the shake and bake.  I could hear the soothing sound of vibration, but something was wrong.  I couldn’t feel anything.  I tried to lay down harder, a fruitless endeavor by the way.  Still I felt nothing.  The machine stopped and I found another quarter. I flopped around on the bed hoping to jump start the thing, I slapped the little box a couple of times.  After four quarters I finally rolled onto the floor and looked under the bed.  The entire vibrating apparatus had fallen from its mount and was merrily dancing on the floor by itself.

I was I was jerked back to the present by the sound of Diane’s voice. “Why are you curled up on the drier?”  She sounded a bit frightened.  “I’m trying to retrieve my pen,” I said.  “It’s around back.”

Have you ever been transported back to remember things that no longer exist?

What are your memories of those old motels?

Does ANYBODY remember  the vibrating beds?

Do you by any chance have a quarter I could borrow?

Have you experienced moments like this?  I would love to hear about it.

I was doing forty eight miles an hour….. Down hill….. on a bicycle.

My wife Diane says that at that speed I am only one acorn away from death. But I was staring at the road.  Looking for any acorns that might put me over the handlebars.

Maybe that’s why I didn’t see the dog. He came out of a driveway at full speed and headed for my ankles with a vicious growl.  A dog can’t run 48 miles an hour……. So what did I do?  I slowed down.

The dog had scared me so bad that I jerked the handle bars and started a violent shimmy in the front wheel of my bike.  As I applied the brakes the shimmy subsided.  But now the dog was gaining on me.  I yelled at the top of my lungs.

That’s when I hit the acorn. I don’t remember falling, but I do remember sliding along the pavement.  I covered my head with my arms and waited for the dog to grab my throat.

Nothing.

I peaked out from between my arms.

The dog was running in the opposite direction with his tail between his legs, yelping like a puppy.  Maybe it was the sound of the crash that scared him.
Personally I think it was the up close sight of me in biking shorts. I would have asked him, but I never saw him again.  Fortunately I had only minor injuries… broken helmet, sore hip, no skin.  I was able to ride my bike home.

So what lessons did I learn from the devil dog?

1.  Never lose your peripheral vision.

As we navigate through life it is easy to develop a tunnel vision that blinds us to everything else going on around us.

Where are your market competitors?
What are the temptations that can throw you off track?
Where are obstacles you must avoid?
What trends are emerging from the bushes?

Keep your eyes open and don’t concentrate on just one thing!!! If I had not been so obsessed with acorns, I guarantee I would have seen the devil dog.

Tunnel vision can also cause us to miss seeing opportunity. Every day God presents us with a myriad of opportunities. If we are obsessed only with acorns and potholes, we might miss the deer standing perfectly still watching us go by.   We might not see the turn that will give us a new beautiful route to our destination.

Here are two other lessons I learned

2.  Always wear skin tight biking pants. It gives your opponents tunnel vision.  It also scares away a lot of bad animals and people.

3.  Slow down. Go at a speed that allows you to see what is around you.  Don’t go any faster than required to keep ahead of the devil dog.

What gives you tunnel vision?   Name your acorn.

Look forward to reading your comments.

Daughter Taryn and Me - 1978

There is a reason I have bigger bags under my eyes than are allowed on Delta Airlines. I have a problem with sleep.  I don’t have a problem sleeping.  I have a problem getting to sleep and staying asleep.

I have tried everything. Someone said drink a warm glass of milk before you go to bed.  I couldn’t find a warm glass of milk and by the time I heated one up, I wasn’t tired any more.

I tried a memory foam mattress. While I lay there reviewing the sins in my life, the mattress memorized the shape of my body.  I didn’t sleep well but now I have my own personal fossil!

I got a sleep number bed and lay awake all night doing math.  My sleep number is 90. That’s how many seconds I actually slept.

Even when I am exhausted, when I lay down my body say’s “Oh this feels so good let’s just go to sleep.” But my mind says, “No sleep for you!  We’re gonna plan the rest of your life. And by the way, Did you lock the doors?  Did you feed the dogs?  Did you feed the kids?  Did you get a cow so you will have warm milk handy?”

There is a certain schedule to this madness.  I manage to fall asleep about the same time my bladder wakes up.

So what are the Seven Secrets to Sleeping like a Baby?

1.  Buy a pacifier….. Ambien or that huge butterfly works well!
2.  Wear a diaper….. Speaks for itself!
3.  Have someone read you a story….. This actually works by the way.  But who is going to stay up to read to an old guy?  Listen to the recording of an old sermon. I’ve seen that put people to sleep.
4.  Say your prayers….. Sometimes this will make the devil put you to sleep.
5.  Don’t drink anything strong……. We’re back at warm milk.
6.  Check for monsters before you get into bed…..  Banish them from the room by name.
7.  Leave a night light on….. A halogen search light on the yard and on the front door works well.

If you take these seven steps you will sleep like a baby…….. accosted by terrible nightmares, distressed by natures call, and up crying half the night.

Okay, now I am serious!! I am really looking for some answers here.  What REAL secrets have YOU found that have helped you get a good nights sleep.  Please comment.  I need some help.   I will read your comments, do some additional research and report back to you.