Seven Secrets to Sleeping like a Baby

Daughter Taryn and Me - 1978

There is a reason I have bigger bags under my eyes than are allowed on Delta Airlines. I have a problem with sleep.  I don’t have a problem sleeping.  I have a problem getting to sleep and staying asleep.

I have tried everything. Someone said drink a warm glass of milk before you go to bed.  I couldn’t find a warm glass of milk and by the time I heated one up, I wasn’t tired any more.

I tried a memory foam mattress. While I lay there reviewing the sins in my life, the mattress memorized the shape of my body.  I didn’t sleep well but now I have my own personal fossil!

I got a sleep number bed and lay awake all night doing math.  My sleep number is 90. That’s how many seconds I actually slept.

Even when I am exhausted, when I lay down my body say’s “Oh this feels so good let’s just go to sleep.” But my mind says, “No sleep for you!  We’re gonna plan the rest of your life. And by the way, Did you lock the doors?  Did you feed the dogs?  Did you feed the kids?  Did you get a cow so you will have warm milk handy?”

There is a certain schedule to this madness.  I manage to fall asleep about the same time my bladder wakes up.

So what are the Seven Secrets to Sleeping like a Baby?

1.  Buy a pacifier….. Ambien or that huge butterfly works well!
2.  Wear a diaper….. Speaks for itself!
3.  Have someone read you a story….. This actually works by the way.  But who is going to stay up to read to an old guy?  Listen to the recording of an old sermon. I’ve seen that put people to sleep.
4.  Say your prayers….. Sometimes this will make the devil put you to sleep.
5.  Don’t drink anything strong……. We’re back at warm milk.
6.  Check for monsters before you get into bed…..  Banish them from the room by name.
7.  Leave a night light on….. A halogen search light on the yard and on the front door works well.

If you take these seven steps you will sleep like a baby…….. accosted by terrible nightmares, distressed by natures call, and up crying half the night.

Okay, now I am serious!! I am really looking for some answers here.  What REAL secrets have YOU found that have helped you get a good nights sleep.  Please comment.  I need some help.   I will read your comments, do some additional research and report back to you.