Seven Secrets to Sleeping like a Baby

Daughter Taryn and Me - 1978

There is a reason I have bigger bags under my eyes than are allowed on Delta Airlines. I have a problem with sleep.  I don’t have a problem sleeping.  I have a problem getting to sleep and staying asleep.

I have tried everything. Someone said drink a warm glass of milk before you go to bed.  I couldn’t find a warm glass of milk and by the time I heated one up, I wasn’t tired any more.

I tried a memory foam mattress. While I lay there reviewing the sins in my life, the mattress memorized the shape of my body.  I didn’t sleep well but now I have my own personal fossil!

I got a sleep number bed and lay awake all night doing math.  My sleep number is 90. That’s how many seconds I actually slept.

Even when I am exhausted, when I lay down my body say’s “Oh this feels so good let’s just go to sleep.” But my mind says, “No sleep for you!  We’re gonna plan the rest of your life. And by the way, Did you lock the doors?  Did you feed the dogs?  Did you feed the kids?  Did you get a cow so you will have warm milk handy?”

There is a certain schedule to this madness.  I manage to fall asleep about the same time my bladder wakes up.

So what are the Seven Secrets to Sleeping like a Baby?

1.  Buy a pacifier….. Ambien or that huge butterfly works well!
2.  Wear a diaper….. Speaks for itself!
3.  Have someone read you a story….. This actually works by the way.  But who is going to stay up to read to an old guy?  Listen to the recording of an old sermon. I’ve seen that put people to sleep.
4.  Say your prayers….. Sometimes this will make the devil put you to sleep.
5.  Don’t drink anything strong……. We’re back at warm milk.
6.  Check for monsters before you get into bed…..  Banish them from the room by name.
7.  Leave a night light on….. A halogen search light on the yard and on the front door works well.

If you take these seven steps you will sleep like a baby…….. accosted by terrible nightmares, distressed by natures call, and up crying half the night.

Okay, now I am serious!! I am really looking for some answers here.  What REAL secrets have YOU found that have helped you get a good nights sleep.  Please comment.  I need some help.   I will read your comments, do some additional research and report back to you.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • Kris Swartz

    Funny thing I put cream on my skin, close my eyes and work on staying still letting the cream soak in and find myself waking up the next morning.

  • catlady

    I am a sleep professional. Turn off all electronics by 7PM, do not eat dinner too close to going to bed. Have a routine, even when you are away keep to the routine, shower read sleep. Do not use your bedroom for anything other than sleep or you know the other use.

  • Terry

    We can give you what helped us or other like lavender oil on the throat, classical music esp the nutcracker. Most of all, it’s asking God what will help you and leaning on His Wisdom. Quieting yourself down, shutting down all the sounds and voices of the world to hear His voice. He made you and design you so why not ask HIM what will help you to sleep. Your a Hoot love ya and May the Lord quiet your mind that you can hear from him and let him quiet your flesh to sleep waking up refreshed and ready to start a new day. AMEN

  • Marly

    I have the perfect solution for you, Ken; try reading an anatomy book in bed, especially something like the structure of an eyeball. Or better yet, muscle attachments. That should do it every time.

  • Kelly

    2 things, but you should know my bladders weak, and im short on my female hormones, comes with my age, but sleep has been difficult much of my life! 1. If I can drink most of my liquids early in the day and before dinner, if I manage to stop drinking, 4 hrs before sleep time, usually midnight, I have managed to reduce my bladder urges to only 2 times a night! That means after initially sleeping.
    2. If I prop my neck on a rounded pillow or rolled up towel, or even hold the ice pack, which is the real trick, in place on my neck, it seems to relax me so totally, that most times, I cannot stay awake.

    I lied: one more: 3. If I get very involved in a long heart felt prayer & speak my heart, I usually at some point fall asleep before I can say, amen! Then of course I have to finish my prayer in the am, and beg forgiveness for going to sleep on God’s time, so not sure I would recommend number 3!

    Thanks for the laughs!
    Kelly

  • Josh

    Hi Ken,

    If you’re still struggling with this, try listening to some “white noise”. Not only does it drown out/cover up other distracting noises, it seems to “drown out” busy thoughts too, at least for me. A great resource for this is http://www.simplynoise.com. This is great for use while on the road in hotel rooms. I used it all the time when I use to travel for work. We also use it with great results when trying to calm a baby or keep the noise made by the other kids from waking an already sleeping baby.

    I wish you the best.

  • Lake Orion Mom

    Melatonin at GNC is sold in time release and instantaneous packages. I take a 3mg time release (to keep me asleep) and a 3 mg or 5 mg instantaneous (to get me to sleep — they sell instantaneous in 10mg sizes too) tablet — it’s a natural hormone released by your brain and we all release less starting around age 35….. You won’t OD and it does not hurt you. I wake up rested and refreshed. Another tidbit of advice: no tv, no cell phone, no laptop, no tablet….in short, no technology after 7:30pm….ditto for drinking. No tea, absolutely no coffee, no juice, nada, nothing, except one glass of water around 7:30….then by 9pm it’s off to bed. Sleep tight.

  • Jillian Kogej

    I basically do not think about not sleeping…or not getting enough sleep. That’s my trick to sleeping. Thinking about the problem of not being able to sleep…. encourages lack of sleep in my case. So, when I can’t sleep, I get up and thank God for the opportunity to do other things I never have the time to do, like wash dishes in the sink, commune with God/read his Word, finish my Spanish homework. Just accepting that I can’t sleep is therapeutic to my problem. So, Ken, stop thinking about it….just go with the flow. God will give you sleep when you need it (a sunday school teacher once told me this).
    God bless your ministry and your sleep life! Jill, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada.

  • Constance

    Sleep really is over rated! As a fellow insomniac I’ve decided to stop fighting it. I just enjoy the alone time with the Lord. The next day when I’m exhausted I rely on the joy of the Lord for my strength. That’s were you come in !