Learning to keep my mouth shut

airport_professionalsI had to go through a security wanding at the airport the other day. For those who may not know what a security wanding is, it’s like receiving a spanking for something you didn’t do. The only difference is they can’t touch you with the paddle.

As the wand went over my watch it gave off the national security alert beep. “What is that?” the screener asked pointing to my watch. I tried to keep a straight face, because I have discovered laughter at a moment like this can result in secondary screening. For those of you who might not know what secondary screening is, that is where you get an actual spanking. “That’s a watch,” I said. I should have stopped there but my lips were already moving. I continued “It has a life time guarantee. When it quits, a little razor blade comes out and slits your wrist.” Wrong answer. Now I know what a full body search is.


  1. Hey Ken,
    That reminds me of something that happened to me recently.
    Because 18 is still thought of as “child” (which I’m very thankful for!) we had to fill out everything. Cassandra Jean Harris has “epilepsy, Cerebral Palsy” etc. I was in the Denver Airport the other day and all the sudden I hear over the loud speakers “Cassandra Harris the epileptic, will you arrive at the front desk?” I have to admit that ticked me off. As much as I can, I hide my disabilities… and now my cover is broken! I “arrived at the front desk” just in time to be asked if I wanted my snack first, or my boarding to be assisted. I rolled my eyes and tried to very kindly tell her no. But when I sat back down a man in his mid 40’s would NOT stop staring.
    I wasn’t feeling very gracious at the moment, so I just very bluntly asked him if he was done staring. No response. I waited a minute than very slowly “started a seizure.” The guy’s mouth was wider than the grand canyon… and he RAN out of that terminal. My mission was accomplished. I got a laugh and so did a couple guys around me.
    See ya

  2. Ken, you are a funny guy.
    You make me laugh everytime. God Bless. Keep up the great work!

  3. On a recent flight to Las Vegas I was selected for screening. As my shoes were off and I sat waiting for the officer to check my suitcase he kept looking at my left foot. The sock had a hole in it and my big toe was fully exposed. I fineally told him I left it that way in case I needed to count to eleven. I got a nice laugh from a couple of people and was told to have a nice trip.

  4. After hearing you tell this joke at one of your acts a few years back, it comes to mind whenever I even think about airport security, or at least if I think about the lengths they will go to for security. I’m taking the politicalcompass.org test and as soon as I got to a certain question on page 4 (there’s a question about anti-terrorism), I began a train of thought that led me here by way of your joke.
    The thought process after I read the question went something like this: “‘oh we better put this little old grandmom through secondary screening. She might have a bomb on her. Help me get her out of her wheelchair. Oh, and by the way, that wheelchair now belongs to us. The wand beeps when we move over the frame. Come right this way Granny. we just need to do a full body search to make sure you don’t have a bomb in your skirt.’ wait didn’t that one Christian comedian do a joke about that?”

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